Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The houses I stare at

Who lives in the houses I stare at daily from my kitchen/dining room window? Are they having a good day? Are their kids scrambling to get ready to go to school? Are they changing diapers like us? Are they married, divorced, single, together? Would they be good friends? Do they like to play cards?

I live in this small community with no community feel. Something seems so terribly wrong with that. I hate not knowing my neighbors on my street, let alone the people whose backyards I see so clearly every morning, lunch and dinner. (and all the snack times I'm in the kitchen). It's like I want to put up a big sign on my back deck "Hi! Good morning! How are you? Have a great day!" Or something. Wouldn't that be funny? I wonder if anyone would respond in kind or just think I'm plain nuts.

We have a flood/creek area behind us with a walking trail so the houses I stare at are ~300 yards away (??) but still...I can see them and they see me. There has to be some neat kindred souls over there that would be great friends. If nothing else I am sure there are people over there that could use my prayers.

How has life gotten so big that we don't even know our own community anymore? It makes me sad and I feel as though I am missing out on something so basic and so vital to my core. Am I the only one?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Depression again??

So yesterday was a really weird emotional day. Nothing prompted it. Nothing bad happened. It was a regular Tuesday- but by the time I picked up my baby and came home I was a mess. I had no motivation to do anything but lay on the couch or cry. My post partum depression lasted 2 months while weaning Abby, and 2 months while weaning Nehemiah- it's been almost 2 months since I've been on anti-depressants and haven't needed them. Then yesterday hit like a brick wall- what the heck? I spent last night as an insomniac- crying and cannot for the life of me find the reason that my brain desperately wants. Josh said "honey, you're pregnant". Helpful, but not a reason for the flood of tears and helplessness I felt last night. It was possibly one of the worst depression nights I've felt in a long time. No suicidal thoughts at all, just udder helplessness- with nothing really wrong.

I was hesitant to even post this or share it for fear of many things:
  1. My brother in law and sister read this periodically. they haven't talked to me in almost 4 years. My first thought is they read this to spy on me and take joy when I'm suffering and laugh when things are hard b/c I think they must hate me. Then I thought- that must be silly. They wouldn't take joy in my suffering would they? It's hard to know since they walked away from our family and apparently don't miss us. I don't understand that. I may never understand that as my family is my rock and core of who I am. Yes we fight, but I can't imagine walking away from them and not celebrating birthdays and holidays- or having my kids know their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. That is irreplaceable. And I guess if they want their updates from my blog and not from me in person- then so be it. I have nothing to hide. This is my space.
  2. I don't want people all worried about me depressed and pregnant. Yes it sucked last night and so far today. No I'm not suicidal. Yes I'm calling my doctor to see if I need to get on anti-depressants again (HUGE SIGH). Yes I need prayers. No there is nothing else I need right now- thank you all though.
  3. It's hard to write about this b/c it feels like a weakness. For me this is especially that is hard. Everything is always fine. Don't let anyone see your emotions. You can handle everything yourself. It's not that bad. etc etc etc....screw it. I am having a hard time right now and I could care less who knows about it (hence #1) but maybe it will get me more prayers and understanding if I'm acting wacko.
  4. I hate having to depend on medication to be ok. I want to scream- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME- but the uncontrollable tears and thoughts of falling deeper and deeper into a black hole with only my snoring husbands hand as a life line to the land of "normal" have convinced me otherwise. I HATE taking medication. Vitamins ok. But anti-depressants??? AUGH.... and yes I know I'm broadcasting this to everyone. I guess being "sane" for the sake of my children and husband are more important to me than trying to "handle everything" or just "trying to pull myself out of it".
  5. Last night Abby came to say goodnight to me. (this broke my heart) I was in the bathtub taking a hot bath to calm down. With tears streaming down my face I look up and see her. Quickly I tried to control my tears. She says "Mommy, I'm so sorry you are tired. I love you." then as she walks away she turns and says "I hope your bath makes you feel better".
  6. For that. I'll call my doctor and take the meds.

Monday, January 11, 2010

So proud...and discouraged

I have to say that I'm so proud of all my friends who are making getting in shape and losing weight their goals right now. Guys and girls alike are hitting the gym and losing the pounds. Something I long to do. You all encourage and discourage me at the same time. I'm so proud of all of you- and yet...it just makes it that much harder for me. Selfish I know. Yes I know I'm pregnant. But I'm still overweight. I'm trying to keep my weight gain to a minimum- ok not really trying- but haven't had to yet as I was so sick for the first few months. Now I have to try. I'm just so tired all the time and I know my body goes after food to feed the baby, and give me the energy I need just to function each day. I'm so ready to have my body back for just me. No pregnancy. No nursing. And able to focus on what I want to eat, not what the baby will allow me to eat- or keep down I should say as I'm still sensitive and throwing up on a whim. ick. I'm so excited for this pregnancy, but it seems like it will be forever until I can really focus on me losing weight as all my friends are doing right now. Again so very proud of all of them and I pray for them and their goals- but for this moment...it's personally all very discouraging to me. I'm just going to continue to gain weight- then go without sleep for several months- before I can even begin to think about getting my body back to anything I'm happy to see. Sigh...as I said before..2010 is looking to be a very long year....

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Another Day

Today is just another Sunday with sick kids. We decided to stay home as both kids are "snotty", Josh has all but lost his voice, and I'm still recovering from being sick too. We aren't as sick as we were last year thankfully- but lots of little sickness happening all the time.

We finally got a date night on Saturday- or more like an afternoon. We took off and saw Avatar in 3-D, which Josh was dying to see. It was really good- however, I think from not watching tv at home combined with the 3-D gave me a headache:( It was a good movie though. Kind of a Fern Gully, Dances with wolves, Sci-Fi flick. Then we were going to go out to eat at Red Lobster (which I've been craving Lobster!) and forgot it was a Saturday night. 40 min wait. AUGH- not for a pregnant woman who was HUNGRY...so we got our food to go, but not before I felt like I was going to pass out or get sick in the hot over crowded bar- so I waited in the car for Josh to come back with our food. We got home in time to put Abby down and for me to scarf down my lobster, and coconut shrimp- which promptly came back up:( Hence to say that I'm over my lobster craving. I ended up eating cereal for dinner. bummer.

Today we decided to take the kids to the YMCA. Nehemiah loved the pool! He splashed and kicked liked crazy even though he kept splashing himself in the face, he was smiling and splashing away! Abby wears her life jacket in the deeper warmer pool that is nearby and can touch in the 3 foot section with her tippy toes- and LOVES it:) She is so proud. She will also jump off the edge into the pool and go all the way under and pop back up ok...I'm so proud of her.

Another day....another week....

Monday, January 4, 2010

Welcome 2010...

Welcome 2010....

2009 was a good year that ended in a whirlwind for us with finding out I was pregnant (with a 4 month old) buying a new house, moving in over Thanksgiving- which happened to by my daughters 3rd birthday, and doing the 5 days away from home for Christmas.

This year we wish for nothing more than to spend as much time as possible enjoying our new (1st) home. I think it really came to be our home when we came back from the holidays. Coming home never felt so good as it did knowing it was our own house and not just another rental.

This next year will be fun and challenging as we will add another member to our family in May- another summer of adjusting our children to their new sibling and lack of sleep for mommy. At least I have 6 months off work to look forward to- without having to work part time. Thank God for the $8,000 first time buyers tax credit from 2009.

I do have to say that after such a busy November and December that I'm looking forward to a break from large groups for awhile- am I becoming an introvert???? More than likely it's just being pregnant and getting harder to sleep comfortably away from home, especially with 2 kids- one of whom is teething- that don't sleep well away from home.

Please come visit us though...we LOVE company. It's our social outlet as getting out just doesn't happen as much as it used to. We have upgraded our accommodations from our last house:) Just ask our parents and brother/sister in law....much more comfy:)

I do have to say that in looking at 2010....aside from having another wonderful child...I'm already looking forward to 2011.... this may just be a long long year.....