Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Depression again??

So yesterday was a really weird emotional day. Nothing prompted it. Nothing bad happened. It was a regular Tuesday- but by the time I picked up my baby and came home I was a mess. I had no motivation to do anything but lay on the couch or cry. My post partum depression lasted 2 months while weaning Abby, and 2 months while weaning Nehemiah- it's been almost 2 months since I've been on anti-depressants and haven't needed them. Then yesterday hit like a brick wall- what the heck? I spent last night as an insomniac- crying and cannot for the life of me find the reason that my brain desperately wants. Josh said "honey, you're pregnant". Helpful, but not a reason for the flood of tears and helplessness I felt last night. It was possibly one of the worst depression nights I've felt in a long time. No suicidal thoughts at all, just udder helplessness- with nothing really wrong.

I was hesitant to even post this or share it for fear of many things:
  1. My brother in law and sister read this periodically. they haven't talked to me in almost 4 years. My first thought is they read this to spy on me and take joy when I'm suffering and laugh when things are hard b/c I think they must hate me. Then I thought- that must be silly. They wouldn't take joy in my suffering would they? It's hard to know since they walked away from our family and apparently don't miss us. I don't understand that. I may never understand that as my family is my rock and core of who I am. Yes we fight, but I can't imagine walking away from them and not celebrating birthdays and holidays- or having my kids know their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. That is irreplaceable. And I guess if they want their updates from my blog and not from me in person- then so be it. I have nothing to hide. This is my space.
  2. I don't want people all worried about me depressed and pregnant. Yes it sucked last night and so far today. No I'm not suicidal. Yes I'm calling my doctor to see if I need to get on anti-depressants again (HUGE SIGH). Yes I need prayers. No there is nothing else I need right now- thank you all though.
  3. It's hard to write about this b/c it feels like a weakness. For me this is especially that is hard. Everything is always fine. Don't let anyone see your emotions. You can handle everything yourself. It's not that bad. etc etc etc....screw it. I am having a hard time right now and I could care less who knows about it (hence #1) but maybe it will get me more prayers and understanding if I'm acting wacko.
  4. I hate having to depend on medication to be ok. I want to scream- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME- but the uncontrollable tears and thoughts of falling deeper and deeper into a black hole with only my snoring husbands hand as a life line to the land of "normal" have convinced me otherwise. I HATE taking medication. Vitamins ok. But anti-depressants??? AUGH.... and yes I know I'm broadcasting this to everyone. I guess being "sane" for the sake of my children and husband are more important to me than trying to "handle everything" or just "trying to pull myself out of it".
  5. Last night Abby came to say goodnight to me. (this broke my heart) I was in the bathtub taking a hot bath to calm down. With tears streaming down my face I look up and see her. Quickly I tried to control my tears. She says "Mommy, I'm so sorry you are tired. I love you." then as she walks away she turns and says "I hope your bath makes you feel better".
  6. For that. I'll call my doctor and take the meds.


  1. Oh that story about Abby almost broke my heart. I can't say I can relate since I've never been pregnant or dealt with post partum but I saw Jenn deal with hers and it was not pretty...
    You're in all our prayers Shamree and there is NOTHING bad about going on anti-depressants. That's what they're there for.

  2. I'm proud of you for sharing this. This is not a weakness. It's very real and very hard. We love you and are praying for you.