Just Old...

I don't care if nobody understands my feelings right now. I can hardly understand them myself. I just know that buying our first home is not giving me the joy I always anticipated. I know that is due to the post-partum depression I'm going through- but it's still hard for my normally logical brain to comprehend why I can't be over joyous with this amazing house. It's more than I expected for our first home. It's overwhelming. In addition buying a formal dining room set complete with china hutch it just made me feel so old. not mature, but old. It's something I would only expect to see in my parents house or grandmothers house, not mine. Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted one and am so happy that we got a brand new set for only $750 due to a divorce (not happy on that), but it sits in the garage reminding me that I'm now the parent with a mortgage, 2 kids+, job, and things that only my parents used to have. I see how Abby thinks we are so old and we are her parents. But I don't feel as "together" as my parents seemed to me when I was growing up. I look around my messy house, wrinkled laundry, unmade bed and just feel like I'm pretending to be an adult. But now with the house and new furniture I just feel old. Again not mature, just old. I'm not sure I like it one bit at all. I know I should be so grateful that all this craziness is for good reasons, but my logical brain can't outweigh the heaviness in my heart still. I sure hope this post-partum depression is over soon, or it will rob me of any joy of buying our new house and having our third child.

This pregnancy still isn't real

This pregnancy still doesn't seem real to me, aside from the fact that I am so tired and Josh is having to do almost everything around here. I still can't believe I have another little life form inside me- and that their heart is formed. Their teeth are formed. And they are 1 inch "tall" now. I will love this baby. I'm excited Abigail and Nehemiah will have another sibling. But I'm still not ready. I have 6 1/2 more months to "get ready" I guess. It makes me feel guilty that I'm not anxiously awaiting this little one like the last 2. Especially with all the people I know who are trying to have a baby, or can't have children. That makes me feel even worse. Maybe I have so much going on right now with buying a house my mind is elsewhere. Maybe once we set up the crib and baby room it will be more real. Maybe when I feel those first little kicks inside me. Oh I pray it's so. This child is a blessing- but oh so unexpected.

Emotional about our move

I saw 10 deer between our house and dropping off Nehemiah this morning. It made me sad. I doubt I'll see so many deer in our new neighborhood as it's much further from the mountains. Then I drove by Ute valley park, the open forest area, and the playground that are all so close to our house, and I started to tear up. Granted- I'm pregnant. But this is the first house we've lived in where we love our neighbors, and neighborhood, and both are so close to work. I'm really going to miss that so much. I'm not looking forward to a 20+ minute commute (which I know is average for most people) and getting to know new neighbors who may or may not be nice. Our landlord also posted a "for rent" sign in our front yard- ouch! Every time we come or go it's staring at us and reminds us of our upcoming move. I'm very very excited about our new house...but for today...I'm really really sad we'll be moving.

just another night

It's just another night here in the Howard household. Nehemiah is asleep peacefully in his crib. Josh is reading Abby her "5" books before bed. And I'm anxiously awaiting my "friends" on FB to play their next word on scrabble so I can play again. I'm addicted. I usually have about 15 games going at any one time to keep busy. Tonight, I'm keeping busy to ignore the sticky table with syrup on it from this mornings breakfast, and the crumbs on the floor from dinner, and the laundry waiting to be folded, and the toys not picked up, and the shoes that need to be polished, and the fridge that needs to be emptied out of yogurt long since expired. Yes tonight I'm just sitting here- loving life, but not my messy house.

Post partum depression

Well it finally hit. In weaning my son the post-partum depression hit me. Yuck. It happened last time with Abby when I weaned her too- at least we knew what to look for this time and I'm on medication- safe for the new baby- to help me out. It sucks having to take it, but at least it should help my mood and overwhelmed feelings. yes there is a lot to do right now, but we'll get through. My husband is amazing. He has been a pillar of support with this whirlwind of a third pregnancy so far- I'm so blessed. Ok. Back to work. Focus Shamree. Focus!

Hard night

Tonight is just a hard night. I am so tired I can't do anything. I can't focus at work. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good wife. I don't even take care of my self like I should. I just have no desire to do anything but sit around and watch movies. And those bring little pleasure with all the crap out there these days- let me tell you. For someone without TV I get appalled at what they call PG-13 these days. Anyways, that is off the subject. I am pretty sure this phase of the pregnancy will end, or at least get better in 5 ish more weeks when I enter my second trimester. But today. Getting to tomorrow seems hard. I feel so guiltily about everything right now. Guilty that I'm not a good worker, that I'm not being a good mom to the 2 kids that need me and to the 1 kid to come. Guilty that my husband has to do everything around here when he needs support from a rough day too and I have nothing to give him. Guilty that all I want to do is crawl into a hole and not come out. Again- I am so tired. Maybe a good night sleep will make everything look better in the morning- because right now- it's pretty dark.

Pregnancy cravings top ten

1. Green apples with sharp cheddar cheese or salt
2. Spicy Chinese food
3. Spicy wings with ranch dressing
4. Banana cream pie
5. Mochas with peppermint
6. Peppermint tea with milk
7. Peppermint chocolate Luna bars
8. Bagel, sausage, egg, cheese sandwich- especially from Einstein bagel
9. Banana bread (haven't satisfied this one yet. Tried to and forgot the frozen bananas overnight so thus had to throw them away *sigh*)
10. Anything by power of suggestion. Mention 1 thing 1 time, and I'm all over it :)