Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ultrasound pictures

Here are the pictures of our wonderful little bundle of joy #3- another little boy! The top image is my favorite and looks like he is laughing!
This is another 3D image and he is smiling with his hands up by his face.

This one is of him lying on his back looking up, and you are looking at him from the side so you see his profile.


Monday, December 21, 2009

It's a boy!!!

After waiting 4.5 months we found out today that we are having another little boy! It's funny. Now that I know what we are having I am so excited. I want to plan the baby room (he'll share with his older brother). I want to get a name picked out NOW. I want to sort through baby clothes. Either way I would have been this excited, but it's nice to finally be over joyed about this new little addition to our family. I can't imagine the chaos that a third child will bring into our lives, especially since the parents will now be out numbered- time for a zone defense I guess.

What a huge blessing. I'm already seeing "blue" everywhere!

Grow strong little one...I love you.


So apparently people follow me on my blog, that never talk to me- too weird. Why don't people just pick up the phone and call or drop a friendly email? So for all those nosey people out there, and those that actually care to know what's new in my life here we go-

I've been over my post-partum depression for a month now- yeah:) It seems to just hit for about 2 months when I wean a kid and then suddenly it's gone- thankfully:)

We are moved in and settled into our new and wonderful house. I love it. Yes there are little things I'd like to change, but who doesn't think that when they own their house? I love having people over and am so glad that we now have a comfortable spare room/bathroom so guests are no longer sleeping on our futon in our living room:) Although they didn't complain...this will entice people to come over and stay more- come grandparents come...we love the help and the kids LOVE having you around:)

I still have my job at Agilent. I feel horrible for all those that don't anymore and am glad many people landed on thier feet- but pray for those that haven't yet. I feel more blessed this Christmas than I have felt (even though I was) in a long time. So many people are in need, or maybe just in need of a friendly smile if nothing else. I wish people I knew felt easier about asking for help. It would make it easier to help them instead of trying to do it sneaky and guessing if they need help or not. I pray that if I ever need help physically, emotionally, or financially that I'm not too proud or ashamed to ask. It's especially hard for us Landis's I know that...but I also know without a doubt that any of my friends or family would help me on a dime- and have in the past- if I ever needed it and I just wish others felt free enough (even in confidentiality) to just ask. Please never hesitate to ask us for help...we are here. We love you all.

We find out in 1.5 hours if boys or girls will rule this howard household...dun dun dun....
I can only think of a girls name, Phoebe Alane and for a boys name no clue on the first but the middle will be after my dad, Dean, his middle name (and my brothers too:) ).

If we have a little boy he and Nehemiah will be so close they can share a room, clothes, etsc....but if we have a little girl maybe Miah won't feel like he got kicked out of being the baby too soon as he will be the only boy. As long as they are healthy I don't care. Honestly I have no "intuition" on either. I've had 1/2 of the symptoms I had with Abby and 1/2 the symptoms I had with Miah...so right now only God knows....

Update coming soon:)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Just Old...

I don't care if nobody understands my feelings right now. I can hardly understand them myself. I just know that buying our first home is not giving me the joy I always anticipated. I know that is due to the post-partum depression I'm going through- but it's still hard for my normally logical brain to comprehend why I can't be over joyous with this amazing house. It's more than I expected for our first home. It's overwhelming. In addition buying a formal dining room set complete with china hutch it just made me feel so old. not mature, but old. It's something I would only expect to see in my parents house or grandmothers house, not mine. Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted one and am so happy that we got a brand new set for only $750 due to a divorce (not happy on that), but it sits in the garage reminding me that I'm now the parent with a mortgage, 2 kids+, job, and things that only my parents used to have. I see how Abby thinks we are so old and we are her parents. But I don't feel as "together" as my parents seemed to me when I was growing up. I look around my messy house, wrinkled laundry, unmade bed and just feel like I'm pretending to be an adult. But now with the house and new furniture I just feel old. Again not mature, just old. I'm not sure I like it one bit at all. I know I should be so grateful that all this craziness is for good reasons, but my logical brain can't outweigh the heaviness in my heart still. I sure hope this post-partum depression is over soon, or it will rob me of any joy of buying our new house and having our third child.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

This pregnancy still isn't real

This pregnancy still doesn't seem real to me, aside from the fact that I am so tired and Josh is having to do almost everything around here. I still can't believe I have another little life form inside me- and that their heart is formed. Their teeth are formed. And they are 1 inch "tall" now. I will love this baby. I'm excited Abigail and Nehemiah will have another sibling. But I'm still not ready. I have 6 1/2 more months to "get ready" I guess. It makes me feel guilty that I'm not anxiously awaiting this little one like the last 2. Especially with all the people I know who are trying to have a baby, or can't have children. That makes me feel even worse. Maybe I have so much going on right now with buying a house my mind is elsewhere. Maybe once we set up the crib and baby room it will be more real. Maybe when I feel those first little kicks inside me. Oh I pray it's so. This child is a blessing- but oh so unexpected.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Emotional about our move

I saw 10 deer between our house and dropping off Nehemiah this morning. It made me sad. I doubt I'll see so many deer in our new neighborhood as it's much further from the mountains. Then I drove by Ute valley park, the open forest area, and the playground that are all so close to our house, and I started to tear up. Granted- I'm pregnant. But this is the first house we've lived in where we love our neighbors, and neighborhood, and both are so close to work. I'm really going to miss that so much. I'm not looking forward to a 20+ minute commute (which I know is average for most people) and getting to know new neighbors who may or may not be nice. Our landlord also posted a "for rent" sign in our front yard- ouch! Every time we come or go it's staring at us and reminds us of our upcoming move. I'm very very excited about our new house...but for today...I'm really really sad we'll be moving.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

just another night

It's just another night here in the Howard household. Nehemiah is asleep peacefully in his crib. Josh is reading Abby her "5" books before bed. And I'm anxiously awaiting my "friends" on FB to play their next word on scrabble so I can play again. I'm addicted. I usually have about 15 games going at any one time to keep busy. Tonight, I'm keeping busy to ignore the sticky table with syrup on it from this mornings breakfast, and the crumbs on the floor from dinner, and the laundry waiting to be folded, and the toys not picked up, and the shoes that need to be polished, and the fridge that needs to be emptied out of yogurt long since expired. Yes tonight I'm just sitting here- loving life, but not my messy house.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Post partum depression

Well it finally hit. In weaning my son the post-partum depression hit me. Yuck. It happened last time with Abby when I weaned her too- at least we knew what to look for this time and I'm on medication- safe for the new baby- to help me out. It sucks having to take it, but at least it should help my mood and overwhelmed feelings. yes there is a lot to do right now, but we'll get through. My husband is amazing. He has been a pillar of support with this whirlwind of a third pregnancy so far- I'm so blessed. Ok. Back to work. Focus Shamree. Focus!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hard night

Tonight is just a hard night. I am so tired I can't do anything. I can't focus at work. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good wife. I don't even take care of my self like I should. I just have no desire to do anything but sit around and watch movies. And those bring little pleasure with all the crap out there these days- let me tell you. For someone without TV I get appalled at what they call PG-13 these days. Anyways, that is off the subject. I am pretty sure this phase of the pregnancy will end, or at least get better in 5 ish more weeks when I enter my second trimester. But today. Getting to tomorrow seems hard. I feel so guiltily about everything right now. Guilty that I'm not a good worker, that I'm not being a good mom to the 2 kids that need me and to the 1 kid to come. Guilty that my husband has to do everything around here when he needs support from a rough day too and I have nothing to give him. Guilty that all I want to do is crawl into a hole and not come out. Again- I am so tired. Maybe a good night sleep will make everything look better in the morning- because right now- it's pretty dark.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Pregnancy cravings top ten

  1. Green apples with sharp cheddar cheese or salt
  2. Spicy Chinese food
  3. Spicy wings with ranch dressing
  4. Banana cream pie
  5. Mochas with peppermint
  6. Peppermint tea with milk
  7. Peppermint chocolate Luna bars
  8. Bagel, sausage, egg, cheese sandwich- especially from Einstein bagel
  9. Banana bread (haven't satisfied this one yet. Tried to and forgot the frozen bananas overnight so thus had to throw them away *sigh*)
  10. Anything by power of suggestion. Mention 1 thing 1 time, and I'm all over it :)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Saturday night- what?

Once again it's a Saturday night- and once again I am ready for bed at 8:01pm. Most people are finishing up dinner, getting ready to go out or watch a really cool movie- and I'm ready for my bed. I miss the days of going out with my girlfriends and dancing. I miss calling up a friend and saying- "hey, want some ice cream?". I miss the days of being able to stay awake into the double digits of the evening, and even possibly the single digits again. Where did the time go? Will I ever feel the excitement about Saturday nights again and all the possibilities it can hold for fun? *sigh* Not tonight. I'm off to bed. Have fun everyone. Drink a drink for me and dance a dance for me- and stay out just 10 minutes longer, because you can:)

Friday, October 2, 2009

How NOT to catch a family of mice

Attempt #1: D-CON traps that worked last year for us have proven to be useless. And yes, that is mice poop ALL AROUND the trap.

Attempt #2: Electric shock traps. Caught 1 mouse, but alas...the rest of the family is smart.

Attempt #3: Sticky traps with cereal on them....

Attempt # 4: Peanut butter on a can, on a stick, on a bucket, full of water.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Howard Baby #3

Here is the ultrasound of our new little one to join us sometime around May 23rd, 2010. The little dark spot above the baby sac is a blood clot- at first the doctor said it was TWINS- but then got a second opinion. We aren't sure if the blood clot will be an issue or not- so we need prayers. She said it will either pop and I'll start spotting, which could cause a miscarriage (but isn't likely as it hasn't happened yet) or it will just stretch as the baby's sack stretches and come out after birth.

Either way, we saw the baby's heart beating and he/she is only 1/4 of an inch big! How amazing! Our next appointment is at the end of October.

A Nursing Mothers Quandry

What to do? My doctors tell me to wean my 6 month old. My tired body tells me to wean. My soul wants to nurse him as long as possible for the benefits to him, but not at the expense of the new little life forming inside me. What to do? La leche group says it's fine, many nurses say it's fine, but my doctors advice is hard to ignore. Maybe it's the mothers guilt of not taking care of my baby in my arms because of the baby in my belly. Maybe it feels like he is already getting kicked out of the "baby" of the family because of this new member that won't make an appearance for 7+ months yet. I have no idea what to do. I know what my soul wants to do and it's fighting against my head. Talk about a headache..... oh what to do????

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tired once again

yes yes, I am tired once again. The pregnancy dead-in-your-tracks tiredness is upon me, and with a nursing 6 month old and energetic almost 3 yr old, I think it's worse this time around than the first two. People say have kids while you are young, but geez- do you know how old I feel? I'm tired all the time and can barely wait to put my kids to sleep by 7:30 so I can crawl into bed too. Thus, if you call us after 8pm we won't answer b/c we are asleep- or at least I am and and Josh is probably reading.

On top of it all, my dear baby Nehemiah is going through teething and separation anxiety. So when we leave him at night, he falls asleep beautifully, but if he wakes up at night he screams until he gets mommy or daddy in the room. Then when we tiptoe out, thinking he's asleep, he screams again. Plus he wakes up in pain when his Tylenol runs out- poor little guy. I guess I feel the most guilty as he won't be my baby for long as we'll have another baby when he is just over a year.

Not sure if I want a little boy so they can share rooms, and be really close- or a little girl since I just had a little boy. But then he'd be tortured with and older and younger sister:) Actually either is fine with me as long as they are healthy. I pray for that daily as this new little one is developing almost without my knowing. At 6 weeks he/she is the size of a lentil bean, 1/4 of an inch. Their heart is beating 100-140 times a minute which is twice the times mine does- wow. how amazing? Their little heart is already going strong. Bless you little one. Bless you.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Unexpected Blessings- take 2

I still can't believe that I'm pregnant again. I keep asking myself "How couldn't you know???" and then I realize that I have a 6 month old and many of the "signs" are the same as just coming off pregnancy. I think we are due the end of May, but the doctor will help confirm that on Tuesday. At least my kids will be born in different years right? Let's just pray it's not twins!!! Ok I am off to bed now and I pray I don't dream of twins....

Unexpected Blessings

Is it true that the best blessings come in small packages? I hope so. I am pregnant again- and although it is a huge unexpected blessing- it scares me to death. I guess, like the guidance from my uncle- I just need to take some quiet time and meet God and let him do the miraculous- as right now I barely have the energy for all the "blessings" in my house as it is. I love my husband, my almost 3 year old daughter, my 6 month old son- but most of all I sometimes just miss me! I am blessed to have the family I do but selfishly I was not ready for this next blessing. I was ready to dive into work and prove I'm still a great employee after just coming OFF maternity leave to a new manager. I was ready to start losing those excess pounds that have crept up on me. I was ready to have normal eyesight, to drink caffeine or wine as I felt like it. I was ready to sleep through the night.... and here I am starting all over again. I have to say that this ceases the "discussion" between Josh and I about "if" we were going to have more children, but poor Miah- he won't get to be my baby for long. I do have to say that Josh has turned the 180 on me and now is asking questions like "So, do you think it's a boy or girl?" and "I guess this confirms we need a bigger house" and I am now the one that is reeling. My good friend Gladys told me that God has to remind me that I am not in control- even though I think I am and try to be- which I know surprises EVERYONE that knows me. I have to say that I've spent the last week trying to plan, calculate, and re-plan- and yet I end up on my knees each time as I just don't know how to work it all out. I know how I want everything to work out- but the black and white just doesn't add up yet. Looks like a good time to just sit back for awhile, enjoy my family as it is, and let God take control.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Lord works in mysterious ways. He is continually letting me know that I am not in control, to the point of breaking me. Things I thought as important are being reduced to mere evil necessities. Items I never thought would happen are imminent. In losing myself I am finding it. And in spite of the amazing blessings that are headed our way, I am scared to death.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Confirmed. I'm going crazy!

It is confirmed. Black and white. I am going crazy. I don't think there is anything else that could happen right now that would make it crazier. I don't want to share everything that is going on right now....it would take way too long and somethings are just to private...but oh my goodness. If this all doesn't break me I will come out stronger than superwoman, minus the cape.

God help me or I will end up in the nut house.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Are there any normal people out there?

I really am starting to wonder if there are any normal people out there. Especially in the work place. Integrity, professionalism, honesty all used to mean something. Am I just becoming jaded as I have been in the same company for 5 years now and I'm "wiser" in the ways of the world? Or has my company changed due to all the layoffs? Or is it my remote employee status starting to rear it's ugly head now?

I have just seen so many backstabbing, rude, cheapskate shortcuts over the last few months that I am starting to wonder if this is where I really want to be.

I am praying that someone, somehow today will resort my faith and opinion of people I work with as this morning I have my doubts......

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Crazy world, Clean kitchen

The world is a mess but my kitchen is clean. I'd say I am coming out a head on this one.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Are you serious???

2 days ago I could work from home just fine. Yesterday i called our help desk to get connected to Oracle, a program I needed and had been updated since my maternity leave. Today, I can't connect to work at all from home. I stayed home as I have bronchitis so I don't infect anyone at work and I can take it easy. Well....I'll be taking it REAL easy now as I can't work. Augh....

Monday, August 10, 2009

First day back.....

Here I sit at work on my first day back full time and I'm trying to NOT think of my baby that I left at day care. I know I'm a much better mom when I'm working. I know he is in good hands. I know I was looking forward to this time of separation and time for me, and yet....I miss him. Maybe it's because work isn't what I left. It's no longer a fun place to work, but rather just a job. People have changed. The culture here has changed. The impending doom of low orders and rumors of being sold off are hanging over our heads. The one thing that is a blessing is that I know that whatever happens God is in control. He helped me control the tears that threatened to come as I drove away from the Day care home I left my baby at. He is in control of my job and whether my company gets sold or not. He is in control. I am not. And for a type-A control freak....that is weird, but I am ok with it. Ah....back to work.....

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The best laid plans.....

As my part time status is quickly coming to a close I realize that I need more than a few hours of sleep a night and am desperately trying to train my 4 month old son to sleep through the night, without a pacifier. It seemed like a noble idea a few days ago; however, after 3 nights of wrestling with him (what a mental image huh?) I am wondering who will come out the victor. I need to win this battle though so I can't give up even though I scarcely have the energy to do my work and play with my 2 year old who just wants mommy to have some energy left over for her, poor dear. I have 3 more days to train him. Then we have a 10 day whirl wind of activities and then Josh and I both start back to work full time and the kids are in day care. Wow......

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

HAA HAA! I have finally mastered one little peice of blogging technology (if one can call it that)...my slideshows of my husband, kids, and beloved Story People.....Please take a moment to enjoy the pictures as it took me a few HOURS to figure out how to post them:)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Pacifier/Sleep training

I know I'm not a bad parent, but letting my child cry it out for 10-15 minutes is heart breaking. I know it is just a few short days of hell to get to this wonderful place where they sleep well and don't need a pacifier again (Praise God) but in the short run it's hard. I know I will not miss trying to search backward with one had frantically for a pacifier while driving with the other though:) Here is to a few days of craziness for blissfulness to follow.....Lord help us all....

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Rest please????

Not that anyone is really reading this yet, but I feel the need to scream- REST PLEASE! I am so tired it seems all the time that I know the real me will pop out if I could just get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, and more than 4-5 hours a night. I'm busy all day and it seems all night....I wish I could just sleep for like 6 hours straight- is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Another Family Reunion Survived!

So yet another family reunion has come and gone....and I have to say for a gathering of 20+ people from 4 generations, 3 states, and 2 countries- it was fantastic. Josh and I had a wonderful time hanging out with family, playing tennis, going to the pool- and just relaxing. Now 1.5 weeks before another trip- back to Santa Rosa for Josh, Miah and me for work. Abby will get to stay with grandparents while we are gone....

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Let's hope

Let's hope and pray that our long anticipated 1 week vacation up at Port Ludlow, WA with my mother-in-laws entire family is a fun week. Let's hope that my son will not be awake from 11am-4am the night before we leave like last night. Let's hope that we figure out how to transport frozen milk w/out it unthawing before we leave at 8am. Let's hope we actually leave at 8am so we can get good seats since they don't pre-book seats for families traveling with kids. Let's hope that we don't return exhausted. Let's hope that the whole family gets along since it's the first whole family reunion in like 15 years. Let's hope......

My first blog

I feel like I am stepping off a cliff into an unknown territory called "blogland". I hope and pray this is a good place to just be me, and recapture that little bit of me that has been lost, or exchanged for Mommy, Wife, Employee, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Cousin, and somewhat "nursing cow" to my 3 month old. (Yes I just said that).

I'll start to add pictures, etc soon.


Let the blogging begin!