Thursday, November 18, 2010

tears are gone, introspectiveness is not

All I have to say to my many friends and relatives that are pregnant is "you go girl" and "I'm glad it's not me!" There is a certain status you get as a pregnant woman, royal treatment and all- but man I don't miss crying for every little thing, the lack of sleep, and how the smallest smell could force my stomach upside down. However, even I no longer shed tears for everything, there are some things going on that should produce them- but I think I've turn all emotion off for awhile. God knows it needs a break. Instead, here I sit in my room on my computer trying to understand it all. Reason it through. Make a plan to deal. all that and trying to get over this flu that has hit my body pretty hard the last 24 hours. That was honestly the last thing I needed right now. Although maybe if I did cry I could get it out and move on instead of replaying things over in my mind a hundred ways. a hundred and one, two, three......

this could be a long night.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Lost Poetry by Yours Truly

One Moment
Shamree Howard
8/30/07



My daughter learned to clap today
And I learned to pause
To take a moment
To share in her joy
Her delight
Of finally figuring out
How to control her hands
To make a noise
To express joy
I realized in that moment
That one paused moment
The bills didn’t matter
My job didn’t matter
My weight didn’t matter
Only the fact that I was there
And that I paused
To share that one moment with her
And found joy

----------------------------------------

Hope
Shamree Landis
4.26.03

one may wonder if windows
that see into the depths of the soul
are a blessing or a curse
they show the hope of what yet
come to pass, if only-
any they dare not show
the disappointment one keeps at bay
staring
searching
one may lose themselves
pining away for their eyes
to confirm only that which
their hearts have dared to dream of
and they could spend their
entire lives looking into that window
waiting and hoping
al the time just wasting away
without a sliver of a change
to regain those precious lost moments
then again-
in giving someone the chance to do it again
I bet they wouldn’t change a thing-
Because you see
Love may make the world go round
But hope
Is what makes the ride worthwhile

----------------------------------
Heavy
Shamree Landis
4.26.03

your cologne hands in the air
stubbornly
refusing to leave
like moth balls on my grandmothers wedding
gown saved for me
in the attic
a place I dare not venture to
like asking what if
or asking you why
I could not make you
Love me
And I could not make you
Stay
So I let you go
With open arms and
A closed heart
Hoping you’d come back
To the cologne that
Belongs to you
And yet here is stays
Heavy in the air
Heavy on my shoulders
Guarding my heart
Keeping it prisoner
For a master that will not return
tonight


-----------------------

If I were in Charge of the World
Shamree Landis

12/3/98

If I were in charge of the world purple would be the royal color
and chocolate would be a food group
all John Grisham movies would be rated “G”
and Jerks would spontaneously combust
just like pollution
we wouldn’t have enemies
because they would be banned
People who are sweet would be adored
because they wouldn’t let it go to their head
like the professional sports players
who are mostly guys anyway
there would have to be more pro women’s teams
and they would play to profit education
because college is expensive
then everyone could go
I would make everyone take a language pill
just like vitamins but they would allow everyone to understand
every other language
even sign
Everyone would have to have a teddy bear to hold
and a hug everyday
because hugs are good and make people smile
and every millionaire would adopt an orphan like “Annie”
so there would only be happy endings, eventually
If I were in charge of the World

-------------------

Homeless Hobo
Shamree Landis
12/11/98

When I sold the world
I misdirected hostility
Now my lightning crashes
As my thunder rolls
My heart hungers
Remembering the time
That it looked back in anger

The fear of being alone
Makes me a stranger
A dream lover of no-one
That lives on the edge
Between insanity and fantasy

Who will save my soul
When the rainbow comes
Tomorrow
Step by step in the rain
Right next to hell
I will knock on heavens door

If God will send his angels
I can still throw it all away
To save this little bit of soul

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Moral delima- what to do?

So in coming outside from King Soopers on our routine Saturday morning grocery shopping trip I saw a strange sight. There was a man, young man?, shirtless-shoeless-dirty-skin and bones, standing in the middle of the parking lot approaching people as they walked out. I lowered my head, avoided eye contact and was thankful for the couple ahead of me that would encounter him first so I could rush towards my car. This guy was not menacing, just dirty. In reaching my car I felt 3 things immediately: 1- relief since josh/abby/nehemiah were already in the car having run out of fun things to do in the grocery store while I was checking out, 2- safe that my husband was there, and 3- conviction. How horrible was I???? "when you have helped the least of these you have helped me...." rang in my ears as if God was shouting it in a microphone. Josh and I quietly discussed it.
  • Do we give him money? No he'll just buy alcohol. What if doesn't and just needs food? Aren't we supposed to just give with no strings attached? But do we really want to enable a bad habit?
  • Do we give him gift cards? Then at least he can eat right??? Or go buy shoes?
  • Do we buy him food? What does he eat? Should we take him grocery shopping? He doesn't have shoes let alone a bag to put stuff in?

So Josh went back in the store and bought some bread. Then when he came out we drove around the parking lot until we found the guy. It was then that I noticed the abrasions all over his body. AIDs? Cigarette burns? it was horrible. He was using a local starbucks patrons cell phone. Josh went up to him and I anxiously waited in my car trying to answer Abby's many questions "why doesn't he have any shoes?" "why doesn't he have a shirt?" "Why is daddy giving him bread?" "What are those marks on his body?" etc....Josh got back in the car and said he wasn't asking for food but a ride. ACK! My brain instantly shuttered. Josh gave him the bread. Got in the car. And we drove away. Now here I sit at the computer 14 hours later typing about this when I should be sleeping. I guess I'm still convicted...confused...ashamed...confused........."When you have done this for the least of these...."

Did we have room in our car- my brain said no, but honestly the answer was yes. Did I want that man, young man, dirty man, in my car with my three kids? No. Hell no. Did the guy look dangerous? No...just really dirty. Is it that I didn't want to get my seats dirty? Did I not want to be inconvenienced? Was it reckless to let someone like that in your car? Should have we made room and let him in our car and given him a ride and trusted God to keep us safe? I guess I feel like the bread was something, but somehow I can't rest with myself right now. Like the bread was enough to pacify the shame I felt at avoiding him and I felt convicted to so something, but not too much??

Now I'm just getting really tired and foggy, and rambly. My questions to you: 1- what would have you done? 2- what do you think we should have done....3- how would #1/#2 answers change if that dirty man had been jesus, or your brother, or your son? He's someones son....hm....

Sunday, June 27, 2010

A new project

I am so blessed to have this time off with Josiah, my last baby. I think since I know it's my last one I'm really enjoying it, aside from the extra long recovery- that or I'm finally getting the hang of this mommy thing since it's my third! The only real trouble I'm having is that my brain feels useless right now and my body is taking a beating. All the time sitting and nursing gives me too much time to think, with nothing much to think about or plan- which is slowly driving me nuts. I always have something I'm working on or planning or thinking and right now- I don't. When to have kids? done. When to buy a house and how much to spend? done. Get a family car? done. This leaves me with 2 options. 1- a new project for work or 2- a new project for home. Well I'm not ready to think about work yet so I'm starting to play around with #2. Here are some ideas that although they seem like great ideas at 2am, I'm just not sure they are feasible right now...
  • Make enough hand made blankets, crafts, etc- to sell at craft fairs this winter before Christmas. Let my creativity flow, make some extra cash.....but where to start?
  • Write a children's book and have my mom or brother illustrate it.
  • Look at going back to school for either a teaching degree (high school science), or anthropology- something I love, but didn't think I could make a career out of it so I chose engineering which has worked so far. Another reason I never made French my major.
  • Have a garage sale. Clean out the house of stuff and see if anyone will buy it! Toys, clothes, furniture, etc. Lots of work. Worth it for the extra cash?
  • Plan a road trip with my mom. We've been talking about doing that, but right now I'm not sure we have the finances to do it this year. I'm also not sure I have the patience to do it with a newborn....maybe I could write a book afterwards "Oh the places you can nurse"

Any other ideas? Shoot them my way.....practical or not it will at least give me something new to mull over in the wee hours of the morning.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Brain Connections

Yes I am type A...and I know that surprises everyone! Thanks to this I love to analyze, prioritize, list, and understand "why?". Hence why I had to back track to figure out how the heck I started thinking about a childhood memory....here's the connections my brain made in about 5 minutes.

  • What a thunder storm
  • Kind of like the one in shawshank redemption when Andy escaped
  • Andy was soo good- wow.
  • The library he built was really cool
  • I love that part when that one guy is singing along to hank williams:)
  • Man I wish they played a little Hank on the radio
  • Brooks and Dunn have a song with a line in it "Hank it up a little let's rock this bar"
  • same song, another line about "I'm a George jones junkie"
  • George...wow that's a name you don't hear much anymore
  • George Jones, George Straight- do I even know any other Georges?
  • Had a neighbor George Claussan growing up.
  • He lived in a yellow house
  • Once when they were gone my brother and I watered their lawn for them
  • We left the sprinkler in once place too long and created a sink hole
  • Hm...I wonder how that ever turned out? Larry you remember???

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Baby daze

Life with Josiah has been good. He is the easiest baby thus far in his 11 days on this earth. He already is above his birth weight as he is a good eater, mostly every 4 hours which is nice. Having him so close to Nehemiah, without giving my body a break was crazy. I almost cracked! But now on the back side it's nice to know my pregnant days are over and now I can look forward to enjoying my little family. I've missed time with my husband. I've missed doing my daughters hair in the mornings. I've missed being able to pick up Nehemiah. I've missed being able to walk up the stairs without getting out of breath (almost there). I've missed feeling like "me"---and it's all starting to come back. In fact, in spite of normal labor healing, I feel better now that I have in months! months I tell you! I feel like I just completed the craziest triathlon that I could put my body through and now I"m like GLAD that is over and WOW can't believe I did that! I'm now looking so forward to so many things:

  • Getting my body back into shape
  • Biking/Backpacking/Hiking with Josh and the kids
  • Playing chase
  • Doing girly things with Abby
  • Watching "the boys" grow up so close in age together
  • Wearing any pants/shorts that are not stretchy waist:)
  • Drinking a glass of wine once in awhile

So many of these things are still way out in the future, but I can't help but start to think of all the fun things we will do as family of 5. I guess I can start to imagine the future more now that I know Josiah was our last baby. In fact, I think that is a huge reason I can/am enjoying him so much b/c I know it's my last one...sniff sniff...yeah yeah! Yes I'd love another little girl, but not enough to go through pregnancy again or think about all the finances we'd need to have another one. I am so blessed with the three I have, and I know I'll have my hands full! I'm glad I am off work so long, but I know by the end of the summer off with Josh and the 3 kiddos I will start to look forward to going back to work. Maybe not the craziness of the launches that will await me when I return....but I enjoy my work and honestly? I'm a better mother when I have that time away from the kids- with something that stimulates and challenges my brain. Plus, I guess I know the people teaching my kids are more qualified in the "development" part of their education than I am. Abby just got her year end evaluation and she is doing fabulous! She is one of the youngest in her class having moved up to the 3-4 yr old room in August when her 3rd bday wasn't until late November. I'm amazed at all she has learned at her preschool, amazed. Plus she is so caring with her brothers. She loves to play with Nehemiah, sometimes too rough since he isn't even 18 months yet. And she watches out for him and tries to teach him things too. And she loves loves loves Josiah. Holding him, helping bathe him, getting his pacifier, watching him, etc. She's going to be the 2nd mother to her brothers, whether they like it or not;)

ok...it's late and I really should be sleeping while Josiah is sleeping. Night night.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Josiah Dean Howard


Josiah Dean Howard was born on May 16th at 4:05am. He was 8lbs 9oz and 20.5" long.



The highlights of his birth?


  • Sat May 15th, sent home from hospital b/c he was facing the wrong way and I wasn't progressing in labor.

  • Sun 2am woke up with severe labor pains.

  • 3:35am checked into hospital, was 7cm dialated

  • Got edpidural put in, but no time for actual use of drugs.

  • Water exploded, hitting wall 6 feet away making nurses say "Oh my God!"

  • Told to push once....his head crowned quickly

  • Told to STOP pushing b/c the doctor wasn't there

  • Stopped pushing; however, he came out anyways

  • 4:05am nurses caught Josiah

  • 4:10 am doctor saunters in saying "You could have given me more warning"

We are all home and doing well. Tired but oh so blessed...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Waiting Game

Well...now the official waiting game begins. 25 days left until my "due date" of May 23rd. Each pain is more of a hm...could it be...rather than "ahh that's normal pregnancy". I have yet to pack my hospital bag, and then I think of my friend Jenn who had her third kid 3 weeks early and I realize it's possible. Personally I would be SHOCKED if this kid came any earlier than 1 week. My first kid was 9 days late and we had to really push her out. No dilation or water breakage with her. My second kid was 2 days early, with 1 cm dilation showing up only 2 days before. Both times I went to bed late, and woke up in the wee hours of a Sunday morning with cramps. My daughter waited until that afternoon to be born, and my son arrived 4 hours after we arrived at the hospital. Josh is nervous this kid will pop out faster than we'll have time to get to the hospital.

If it's during the week day- the kids will be in day care until grandparents can pick them up. No problem. Josh gets last minute sub and comes home to pick me up.

If it's during the night- the kids will be sleeping and we'll wait to leave for the hospital until one of our amazing friends can step over here and watch them until the grandparents arrive.

If it's during the weekend/evening- we'll have to wait until friends can come over and watch the kids until the grandparents show up.

We can make it to the hospital in 20-30 minutes depending on traffic, and as we've just done this, we know where to go:)

I feel like this one will come close to his due date, but when he decides to come- watch out- as there are no more muscles to help keep him in since my body just went through this 14 months ago.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Weird dreams

So I had several weird dreams last night. I can't say that any of them were disturbing or horrible, just really random, weird and felt like it actually happened. I totally had to set myself straight this morning and realize they were just dreams. I'm only sharing b/c so many of my friends/family know these people and how weird these will sound...

1. Was talking to my parents about 4th of July and how we weren't planning on camping with 3 little ones, especially one that is 1 month old and nursing at night which is hard in a tent- trust me I did it with nehemiah. They started talking how they got everyone in our family individual cabins, and ours had 2 rooms so we could have one for us and one for the kids. Only they reserved them for 5 nights, in omaha nebraska. I was very shocked they did this without talking to us, although camping in a cabin sounded fine- in omaha? Then they dropped a bomb shell. Nate Jenkins, your old friend, contacted us and asked if we'd all come out to his wedding. We planned our 4th of july around his wedding and everyone is going..we were going to keep it a surprise from you. Plus we'll see our nebraska relatives on the 5th. Reality? This is totally weird and out of character for my parents. Plus-I haven't spoken to or heard from Nate in like 7 years! Bizzaro.

2. I was at "my house" in an enclosed front porch area talking very familiarly with Jim and Becky Sanchez. We were talking about babies (go figure) and they said something about small babies vs. large ones. I said how my sister in law, Christine has to deal with that all the time- and yet her daughter is developmentally on track or ahead of her age, just petite. They looked shocked that I knew Christine, and were even more shocked when I said, "in fact...she's sleeping inside b/c she is so tired from being pregnant and I'm watching Ellie for her". Then they wanted to see her and I wouldn't let them in b/c I didn't want to wake her up. I peeked inside and she was awake so she came outside and squealed when she saw them, as if it had been years. Only it wasn't Christine, it was Alli, her sister in looks- but in my heart/head it was Christine. Reality? It wasn't my house. I haven't seen Christine's parents in a long time. I would never keep her from seeing them. Way weird.

3. I had a dr. apt (which I did today and everything was normal) and my doctor looked really run down. She had been delivery babies at the hospital for like 2 days straight. She said I had placenta privia (sp?) and that the baby had actually shifted out of position and now was really high- and moved my due date out by like 2 months! Reality? my dr. apt today was fine. I'm fine. The baby is fine. My doctor looked normal.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Happy Birthday to my 1yr old Son!



Nehemiah is 1 yr old today- WOW. (notice his first shoes? Black converse...yeah baby)




His little personality is just shining through. Quiet, rarely fussy, constantly moving, and determined. So far discipline and the word NO mean nothing to him. If you give him a spanking he just sits and looks at you afterwards like "are you done? can I go back to what I was doing now?". I think we'll have our hands full.



He has his doctor appointment tomorrow- but at 9 months he was already 21 lbs and 31" long. He is a big boy that is getting harder and harder for me to carry now that Isaac seems to be just as active in the womb as Nehemiah was!


Goodbye bottles. Goodbye formula. Hello sleeping in the same room with Abby. They will share a room for about a year or so until Isaac is ~1. From there on out Nehemiah and Isaac will share a room.


This weekend is a family birthday to celebrate this little guy.


He is walking, sometimes very fast, now. Has 9 teeth. Drools constantly. Eats constantly. Does not nap (like his father at the same age) but sleeps 11.5-12 hours straight at night. Loves to bop to music and laugh with his sister. He adores Abby and she is such a wonderful big sister. I pray it will always be so. No one can make him laugh as much as she can.


Happy Birthday little guy....I love you.


video

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

5 weeks and counting

5 weeks until I'm off work- yeah:) Josh is worried I'll be bored and missing that "human interaction" and I'm not so sure. It's true the last 2 times I almost went stir crazy, but I work from home so much these days I think I'm used to it. I really enjoy the time by myself at home to get things done at my pace. I'm glad the next 5 weekends are busy too- it's exhausting but helps the time go by faster. Friends visiting, Nehemiah's 1st bday party (oh my), Easter, our 6th anniversary, the volunteer event I'm leading at work, and my replacement from China coming to stay for a week to get face to face hand off training. Whew!

Then hopefully a month of peace, sleep and relaxation before Isaac makes an appearance. I know he'll probably come early being my third and so close to my second that everything is stretched out- but I pray he comes on time or late. I really really am looking forward to that month off before he comes to "rest" up and get everything ready. But babies come when they will and I just pray he arrives safely. I also hope there is enough time for the grandparents to get here:)

Josh is worried we won't make it to the hospital on time. Nehemiah came 6 hours after the pains started, and only 4 hours after we were at the hospital, thankfully. I really have no worries about it at all- maybe I should- maybe I will the closer it gets- but I feel pretty relaxed about this one.

I have a doctor apt tomorrow. My glucose screening came out fine- stupid test. Then the last week of march/first week of April I'll have another ultrasound to look at the position of the baby, etc. yeah:) i'm still dreaming I'm having twins, although there has been no signs to comfirm this at the doctor office. So I'm looking forward to confirming, once again, it's just one little one in there;)

I'm looking forward to my 6 months off, but realize the first 3ish months will not be a "break". The closer this birth gets the further away that seems. I'm really excitted to hold this little one though and see his personality develop. Abby is our drama queen who lights up our house with songs and "let's play". Nehemiah is our quiet, easy going, stubborn little man who is quick to smile and slow to fuss. he adores abby and no one can make him laugh more than she can. Abby has curly blonde/brown hair, blue eyes and dimples...Nehemiah has brown hair with hazel/green eyes and no dimples. What will Isaac look like?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Wishful thinking? Nightmare? Or mommy intuition?

Ok so here I sit at the computer with a really achy back and crampy abdomen.

The thoughts on this range in my head....
  1. OH MY it's the baby (yeah I'm done with work and can be off)
  2. oh CRAP it's the baby (holy crap! It's too early for him to come. I'd be leaving work in a mess!!!)
  3. Hm...I need exercise (I guess I could get up and walk around more)
  4. I really should get off my butt and move around (I should start work earlier tomorrow and take time to go to the prego water aerobic class at the YMCA tomorrow)
  5. Is there anyway I can weasel a massage out of Josh? He's tired because he's in the middle of CSAP testing- ICK!
  6. Maybe I should take a nice long hot bath Augh. Walking all the way upstairs, filling the tub is so much work. And what if it's just uncomfortable now that I'm bigger? All that wasted water and effort for nothing.
  7. Maybe I have to go to the bathroom? Seems like I always have to go these days....
  8. I should try a hot pack or ice pack- which one on what part will feel the best? And can I use heat on my belly or do I need to stay away from that?
  9. Maybe I just need more water- Augh then I'll be doing #7 all night long.....
  10. I think I have more things to do than just sit here and think about how much my lower back and abdomen hurt. Off to play scrabble on facebook (any takers?) and put my feet up.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Olympics, by Shamree

On our nice weekend away to San Diego (so nice we didn't want to come back) we got to watch a little of the Olympics which was a treat as we don't have TV. However, in the midst of all the accomplishments, sorrows, struggles, and victories I realized that these athletes train for years...and it's not so unlike parenthood. You devote yourself to the training, weird schedules, body sacrifices, and frustration for years. So...after careful consideration I'd like to submit the Olympics, as I'd like to see them.


Events for Babies-
1. Pacifier throwing (judged on distance and creativity)
2. Undressing (judged purely on how fast they can get everything off)
3. Kitchen disassembling (how many cabinets and drawers they can empty in 2 minutes)
4. Crib hurdling (how long it takes them to climb out of a crib)
5. Dog chasing (how long it takes to catch a dogs tail, by crawling)
6. Stair climbing (how fast they can climb up, and back down 15 stairs)

Events for Parents-
1. Changing diapers in the dark (judged on speed, thoroughness, and amount of baby crying)
2. Driving marathon- you will need to find a pacifier thrown, give a bottle, and rub a babies forehead until they fall asleep- while driving, without causing an accident.
3. kitchen clean up- how fast you can reassemble your kitchen after baby event #3 above.
4. Mule event- how many bags you can carry with your child for 1/2 mile. Judged on the total weight you can carry, and speed.
5. Bottle making- how well you can get out of bed, down the stairs, across the kitchen floor full of toys, make a bottle and get to your crying kid- in the dark. Timed trial.
6. Car clean up. How fast you can make your car presentable. Vacuuming up crumbs, cleaning sticky stuff off the windows, and removing toys and car seats so 4 adults can go out to dinner.

Combined Events-
1. Stroller pushing- how fast you can push your stroller with your child in it in a 1/2 mile race.
2. How fast you can prepare, feed, and clean up after- your child at dinner. Child must be eating finger foods.
3. bath time- how long it takes to completely bathe your child. judged on how little water is outside the tub, how little crying there is, and how little water resides on you.


So folks...if you are interested in competing please just let me know for which events. I plan to have this start, as soon as I have time to make it happen- haa haa.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I'm an egg

I have concluded that I'm an egg. I'm 3 things in one, a mother, a worker, and wife- I'm also jelly and unstable on the inside and my exterior is liable to crack easily and spill out all the goopy stuff on the inside without warning.

It's been so long since I've felt like me that I'm not sure if I even remember me, or if I'm just grabbing onto a fragment of my imagination and romanticizing it even as we have a tendency to do when we reminisce.

Will I ever be rational again? Will I ever go more than 2 days without crying? Will I ever sleep more than 2 hours at a time, or more than 6 hours at night? I know that I'm a mom, and soon to be a mom of 3 but are any of these requests unreasonable?

If one more person tells me to treasure these days I think I'll vomit. And that is easy to do in this third pregnancy still- trust me. There are precious moments yes....agreed. But most days I'm too tired to even take notice....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The houses I stare at

Who lives in the houses I stare at daily from my kitchen/dining room window? Are they having a good day? Are their kids scrambling to get ready to go to school? Are they changing diapers like us? Are they married, divorced, single, together? Would they be good friends? Do they like to play cards?

I live in this small community with no community feel. Something seems so terribly wrong with that. I hate not knowing my neighbors on my street, let alone the people whose backyards I see so clearly every morning, lunch and dinner. (and all the snack times I'm in the kitchen). It's like I want to put up a big sign on my back deck "Hi! Good morning! How are you? Have a great day!" Or something. Wouldn't that be funny? I wonder if anyone would respond in kind or just think I'm plain nuts.

We have a flood/creek area behind us with a walking trail so the houses I stare at are ~300 yards away (??) but still...I can see them and they see me. There has to be some neat kindred souls over there that would be great friends. If nothing else I am sure there are people over there that could use my prayers.

How has life gotten so big that we don't even know our own community anymore? It makes me sad and I feel as though I am missing out on something so basic and so vital to my core. Am I the only one?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Depression again??

So yesterday was a really weird emotional day. Nothing prompted it. Nothing bad happened. It was a regular Tuesday- but by the time I picked up my baby and came home I was a mess. I had no motivation to do anything but lay on the couch or cry. My post partum depression lasted 2 months while weaning Abby, and 2 months while weaning Nehemiah- it's been almost 2 months since I've been on anti-depressants and haven't needed them. Then yesterday hit like a brick wall- what the heck? I spent last night as an insomniac- crying and cannot for the life of me find the reason that my brain desperately wants. Josh said "honey, you're pregnant". Helpful, but not a reason for the flood of tears and helplessness I felt last night. It was possibly one of the worst depression nights I've felt in a long time. No suicidal thoughts at all, just udder helplessness- with nothing really wrong.

I was hesitant to even post this or share it for fear of many things:
  1. My brother in law and sister read this periodically. they haven't talked to me in almost 4 years. My first thought is they read this to spy on me and take joy when I'm suffering and laugh when things are hard b/c I think they must hate me. Then I thought- that must be silly. They wouldn't take joy in my suffering would they? It's hard to know since they walked away from our family and apparently don't miss us. I don't understand that. I may never understand that as my family is my rock and core of who I am. Yes we fight, but I can't imagine walking away from them and not celebrating birthdays and holidays- or having my kids know their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. That is irreplaceable. And I guess if they want their updates from my blog and not from me in person- then so be it. I have nothing to hide. This is my space.
  2. I don't want people all worried about me depressed and pregnant. Yes it sucked last night and so far today. No I'm not suicidal. Yes I'm calling my doctor to see if I need to get on anti-depressants again (HUGE SIGH). Yes I need prayers. No there is nothing else I need right now- thank you all though.
  3. It's hard to write about this b/c it feels like a weakness. For me this is especially that is hard. Everything is always fine. Don't let anyone see your emotions. You can handle everything yourself. It's not that bad. etc etc etc....screw it. I am having a hard time right now and I could care less who knows about it (hence #1) but maybe it will get me more prayers and understanding if I'm acting wacko.
  4. I hate having to depend on medication to be ok. I want to scream- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME- but the uncontrollable tears and thoughts of falling deeper and deeper into a black hole with only my snoring husbands hand as a life line to the land of "normal" have convinced me otherwise. I HATE taking medication. Vitamins ok. But anti-depressants??? AUGH.... and yes I know I'm broadcasting this to everyone. I guess being "sane" for the sake of my children and husband are more important to me than trying to "handle everything" or just "trying to pull myself out of it".
  5. Last night Abby came to say goodnight to me. (this broke my heart) I was in the bathtub taking a hot bath to calm down. With tears streaming down my face I look up and see her. Quickly I tried to control my tears. She says "Mommy, I'm so sorry you are tired. I love you." then as she walks away she turns and says "I hope your bath makes you feel better".
  6. For that. I'll call my doctor and take the meds.

Monday, January 11, 2010

So proud...and discouraged

I have to say that I'm so proud of all my friends who are making getting in shape and losing weight their goals right now. Guys and girls alike are hitting the gym and losing the pounds. Something I long to do. You all encourage and discourage me at the same time. I'm so proud of all of you- and yet...it just makes it that much harder for me. Selfish I know. Yes I know I'm pregnant. But I'm still overweight. I'm trying to keep my weight gain to a minimum- ok not really trying- but haven't had to yet as I was so sick for the first few months. Now I have to try. I'm just so tired all the time and I know my body goes after food to feed the baby, and give me the energy I need just to function each day. I'm so ready to have my body back for just me. No pregnancy. No nursing. And able to focus on what I want to eat, not what the baby will allow me to eat- or keep down I should say as I'm still sensitive and throwing up on a whim. ick. I'm so excited for this pregnancy, but it seems like it will be forever until I can really focus on me losing weight as all my friends are doing right now. Again so very proud of all of them and I pray for them and their goals- but for this moment...it's personally all very discouraging to me. I'm just going to continue to gain weight- then go without sleep for several months- before I can even begin to think about getting my body back to anything I'm happy to see. Sigh...as I said before..2010 is looking to be a very long year....

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Another Day

Today is just another Sunday with sick kids. We decided to stay home as both kids are "snotty", Josh has all but lost his voice, and I'm still recovering from being sick too. We aren't as sick as we were last year thankfully- but lots of little sickness happening all the time.

We finally got a date night on Saturday- or more like an afternoon. We took off and saw Avatar in 3-D, which Josh was dying to see. It was really good- however, I think from not watching tv at home combined with the 3-D gave me a headache:( It was a good movie though. Kind of a Fern Gully, Dances with wolves, Sci-Fi flick. Then we were going to go out to eat at Red Lobster (which I've been craving Lobster!) and forgot it was a Saturday night. 40 min wait. AUGH- not for a pregnant woman who was HUNGRY...so we got our food to go, but not before I felt like I was going to pass out or get sick in the hot over crowded bar- so I waited in the car for Josh to come back with our food. We got home in time to put Abby down and for me to scarf down my lobster, and coconut shrimp- which promptly came back up:( Hence to say that I'm over my lobster craving. I ended up eating cereal for dinner. bummer.

Today we decided to take the kids to the YMCA. Nehemiah loved the pool! He splashed and kicked liked crazy even though he kept splashing himself in the face, he was smiling and splashing away! Abby wears her life jacket in the deeper warmer pool that is nearby and can touch in the 3 foot section with her tippy toes- and LOVES it:) She is so proud. She will also jump off the edge into the pool and go all the way under and pop back up ok...I'm so proud of her.

Another day....another week....

Monday, January 4, 2010

Welcome 2010...

Welcome 2010....

2009 was a good year that ended in a whirlwind for us with finding out I was pregnant (with a 4 month old) buying a new house, moving in over Thanksgiving- which happened to by my daughters 3rd birthday, and doing the 5 days away from home for Christmas.

This year we wish for nothing more than to spend as much time as possible enjoying our new (1st) home. I think it really came to be our home when we came back from the holidays. Coming home never felt so good as it did knowing it was our own house and not just another rental.

This next year will be fun and challenging as we will add another member to our family in May- another summer of adjusting our children to their new sibling and lack of sleep for mommy. At least I have 6 months off work to look forward to- without having to work part time. Thank God for the $8,000 first time buyers tax credit from 2009.

I do have to say that after such a busy November and December that I'm looking forward to a break from large groups for awhile- am I becoming an introvert???? More than likely it's just being pregnant and getting harder to sleep comfortably away from home, especially with 2 kids- one of whom is teething- that don't sleep well away from home.

Please come visit us though...we LOVE company. It's our social outlet as getting out just doesn't happen as much as it used to. We have upgraded our accommodations from our last house:) Just ask our parents and brother/sister in law....much more comfy:)

I do have to say that in looking at 2010....aside from having another wonderful child...I'm already looking forward to 2011.... this may just be a long long year.....