Moral delima- what to do?

So in coming outside from King Soopers on our routine Saturday morning grocery shopping trip I saw a strange sight. There was a man, young man?, shirtless-shoeless-dirty-skin and bones, standing in the middle of the parking lot approaching people as they walked out. I lowered my head, avoided eye contact and was thankful for the couple ahead of me that would encounter him first so I could rush towards my car. This guy was not menacing, just dirty. In reaching my car I felt 3 things immediately: 1- relief since josh/abby/nehemiah were already in the car having run out of fun things to do in the grocery store while I was checking out, 2- safe that my husband was there, and 3- conviction. How horrible was I???? "when you have helped the least of these you have helped me...." rang in my ears as if God was shouting it in a microphone. Josh and I quietly discussed it.

• Do we give him money? No he'll just buy alcohol. What if doesn't and just needs food? Aren't we supposed to just give with no strings attached? But do we really want to enable a bad habit?
• Do we give him gift cards? Then at least he can eat right??? Or go buy shoes?
• Do we buy him food? What does he eat? Should we take him grocery shopping? He doesn't have shoes let alone a bag to put stuff in?

So Josh went back in the store and bought some bread. Then when he came out we drove around the parking lot until we found the guy. It was then that I noticed the abrasions all over his body. AIDs? Cigarette burns? it was horrible. He was using a local starbucks patrons cell phone. Josh went up to him and I anxiously waited in my car trying to answer Abby's many questions "why doesn't he have any shoes?" "why doesn't he have a shirt?" "Why is daddy giving him bread?" "What are those marks on his body?" etc....Josh got back in the car and said he wasn't asking for food but a ride. ACK! My brain instantly shuttered. Josh gave him the bread. Got in the car. And we drove away. Now here I sit at the computer 14 hours later typing about this when I should be sleeping. I guess I'm still convicted...confused...ashamed...confused........."When you have done this for the least of these...."

Did we have room in our car- my brain said no, but honestly the answer was yes. Did I want that man, young man, dirty man, in my car with my three kids? No. Hell no. Did the guy look dangerous? No...just really dirty. Is it that I didn't want to get my seats dirty? Did I not want to be inconvenienced? Was it reckless to let someone like that in your car? Should have we made room and let him in our car and given him a ride and trusted God to keep us safe? I guess I feel like the bread was something, but somehow I can't rest with myself right now. Like the bread was enough to pacify the shame I felt at avoiding him and I felt convicted to so something, but not too much??

Now I'm just getting really tired and foggy, and rambly. My questions to you: 1- what would have you done? 2- what do you think we should have done....3- how would #1/#2 answers change if that dirty man had been jesus, or your brother, or your son? He's someones son....hm....

A new project

I am so blessed to have this time off with Josiah, my last baby. I think since I know it's my last one I'm really enjoying it, aside from the extra long recovery- that or I'm finally getting the hang of this mommy thing since it's my third! The only real trouble I'm having is that my brain feels useless right now and my body is taking a beating. All the time sitting and nursing gives me too much time to think, with nothing much to think about or plan- which is slowly driving me nuts. I always have something I'm working on or planning or thinking and right now- I don't. When to have kids? done. When to buy a house and how much to spend? done. Get a family car? done. This leaves me with 2 options. 1- a new project for work or 2- a new project for home. Well I'm not ready to think about work yet so I'm starting to play around with #2. Here are some ideas that although they seem like great ideas at 2am, I'm just not sure they are feasible right now...

• Make enough hand made blankets, crafts, etc- to sell at craft fairs this winter before Christmas. Let my creativity flow, make some extra cash.....but where to start?
• Write a children's book and have my mom or brother illustrate it.
• Look at going back to school for either a teaching degree (high school science), or anthropology- something I love, but didn't think I could make a career out of it so I chose engineering which has worked so far. Another reason I never made French my major.
• Have a garage sale. Clean out the house of stuff and see if anyone will buy it! Toys, clothes, furniture, etc. Lots of work. Worth it for the extra cash?
• Plan a road trip with my mom. We've been talking about doing that, but right now I'm not sure we have the finances to do it this year. I'm also not sure I have the patience to do it with a newborn....maybe I could write a book afterwards "Oh the places you can nurse"

Any other ideas? Shoot them my way.....practical or not it will at least give me something new to mull over in the wee hours of the morning.

Brain Connections

Yes I am type A...and I know that surprises everyone! Thanks to this I love to analyze, prioritize, list, and understand "why?". Hence why I had to back track to figure out how the heck I started thinking about a childhood memory....here's the connections my brain made in about 5 minutes.

• What a thunder storm
• Kind of like the one in shawshank redemption when Andy escaped
• Andy was soo good- wow.
• The library he built was really cool
• I love that part when that one guy is singing along to hank williams:)
• Man I wish they played a little Hank on the radio
• Brooks and Dunn have a song with a line in it "Hank it up a little let's rock this bar"
• same song, another line about "I'm a George jones junkie"
• George...wow that's a name you don't hear much anymore
• George Jones, George Straight- do I even know any other Georges?
• Had a neighbor George Claussan growing up.
• He lived in a yellow house
• Once when they were gone my brother and I watered their lawn for them
• We left the sprinkler in once place too long and created a sink hole
• Hm...I wonder how that ever turned out? Larry you remember???

Baby daze

Life with Josiah has been good. He is the easiest baby thus far in his 11 days on this earth. He already is above his birth weight as he is a good eater, mostly every 4 hours which is nice. Having him so close to Nehemiah, without giving my body a break was crazy. I almost cracked! But now on the back side it's nice to know my pregnant days are over and now I can look forward to enjoying my little family. I've missed time with my husband. I've missed doing my daughters hair in the mornings. I've missed being able to pick up Nehemiah. I've missed being able to walk up the stairs without getting out of breath (almost there). I've missed feeling like "me"---and it's all starting to come back. In fact, in spite of normal labor healing, I feel better now that I have in months! months I tell you! I feel like I just completed the craziest triathlon that I could put my body through and now I"m like GLAD that is over and WOW can't believe I did that! I'm now looking so forward to so many things:

• Getting my body back into shape
• Biking/Backpacking/Hiking with Josh and the kids
• Playing chase
• Doing girly things with Abby
• Watching "the boys" grow up so close in age together
• Wearing any pants/shorts that are not stretchy waist:)
• Drinking a glass of wine once in awhile

So many of these things are still way out in the future, but I can't help but start to think of all the fun things we will do as family of 5. I guess I can start to imagine the future more now that I know Josiah was our last baby. In fact, I think that is a huge reason I can/am enjoying him so much b/c I know it's my last one...sniff sniff...yeah yeah! Yes I'd love another little girl, but not enough to go through pregnancy again or think about all the finances we'd need to have another one. I am so blessed with the three I have, and I know I'll have my hands full! I'm glad I am off work so long, but I know by the end of the summer off with Josh and the 3 kiddos I will start to look forward to going back to work. Maybe not the craziness of the launches that will await me when I return....but I enjoy my work and honestly? I'm a better mother when I have that time away from the kids- with something that stimulates and challenges my brain. Plus, I guess I know the people teaching my kids are more qualified in the "development" part of their education than I am. Abby just got her year end evaluation and she is doing fabulous! She is one of the youngest in her class having moved up to the 3-4 yr old room in August when her 3rd bday wasn't until late November. I'm amazed at all she has learned at her preschool, amazed. Plus she is so caring with her brothers. She loves to play with Nehemiah, sometimes too rough since he isn't even 18 months yet. And she watches out for him and tries to teach him things too. And she loves loves loves Josiah. Holding him, helping bathe him, getting his pacifier, watching him, etc. She's going to be the 2nd mother to her brothers, whether they like it or not;)

ok...it's late and I really should be sleeping while Josiah is sleeping. Night night.

Josiah Dean Howard

Josiah Dean Howard was born on May 16th at 4:05am. He was 8lbs 9oz and 20.5" long.

The highlights of his birth?

• Sat May 15th, sent home from hospital b/c he was facing the wrong way and I wasn't progressing in labor.


• Sun 2am woke up with severe labor pains.


• 3:35am checked into hospital, was 7cm dialated


• Got edpidural put in, but no time for actual use of drugs.


• Water exploded, hitting wall 6 feet away making nurses say "Oh my God!"


• Told to push once....his head crowned quickly


• Told to STOP pushing b/c the doctor wasn't there


• Stopped pushing; however, he came out anyways


• 4:05am nurses caught Josiah


• 4:10 am doctor saunters in saying "You could have given me more warning"

We are all home and doing well. Tired but oh so blessed...

The Waiting Game

Well...now the official waiting game begins. 25 days left until my "due date" of May 23rd. Each pain is more of a hm...could it be...rather than "ahh that's normal pregnancy". I have yet to pack my hospital bag, and then I think of my friend Jenn who had her third kid 3 weeks early and I realize it's possible. Personally I would be SHOCKED if this kid came any earlier than 1 week. My first kid was 9 days late and we had to really push her out. No dilation or water breakage with her. My second kid was 2 days early, with 1 cm dilation showing up only 2 days before. Both times I went to bed late, and woke up in the wee hours of a Sunday morning with cramps. My daughter waited until that afternoon to be born, and my son arrived 4 hours after we arrived at the hospital. Josh is nervous this kid will pop out faster than we'll have time to get to the hospital.

If it's during the week day- the kids will be in day care until grandparents can pick them up. No problem. Josh gets last minute sub and comes home to pick me up.

If it's during the night- the kids will be sleeping and we'll wait to leave for the hospital until one of our amazing friends can step over here and watch them until the grandparents arrive.

If it's during the weekend/evening- we'll have to wait until friends can come over and watch the kids until the grandparents show up.

We can make it to the hospital in 20-30 minutes depending on traffic, and as we've just done this, we know where to go:)

I feel like this one will come close to his due date, but when he decides to come- watch out- as there are no more muscles to help keep him in since my body just went through this 14 months ago.

Weird dreams

So I had several weird dreams last night. I can't say that any of them were disturbing or horrible, just really random, weird and felt like it actually happened. I totally had to set myself straight this morning and realize they were just dreams. I'm only sharing b/c so many of my friends/family know these people and how weird these will sound...

1. Was talking to my parents about 4th of July and how we weren't planning on camping with 3 little ones, especially one that is 1 month old and nursing at night which is hard in a tent- trust me I did it with nehemiah. They started talking how they got everyone in our family individual cabins, and ours had 2 rooms so we could have one for us and one for the kids. Only they reserved them for 5 nights, in omaha nebraska. I was very shocked they did this without talking to us, although camping in a cabin sounded fine- in omaha? Then they dropped a bomb shell. Nate Jenkins, your old friend, contacted us and asked if we'd all come out to his wedding. We planned our 4th of july around his wedding and everyone is going..we were going to keep it a surprise from you. Plus we'll see our nebraska relatives on the 5th. Reality? This is totally weird and out of character for my parents. Plus-I haven't spoken to or heard from Nate in like 7 years! Bizzaro.

2. I was at "my house" in an enclosed front porch area talking very familiarly with Jim and Becky Sanchez. We were talking about babies (go figure) and they said something about small babies vs. large ones. I said how my sister in law, Christine has to deal with that all the time- and yet her daughter is developmentally on track or ahead of her age, just petite. They looked shocked that I knew Christine, and were even more shocked when I said, "in fact...she's sleeping inside b/c she is so tired from being pregnant and I'm watching Ellie for her". Then they wanted to see her and I wouldn't let them in b/c I didn't want to wake her up. I peeked inside and she was awake so she came outside and squealed when she saw them, as if it had been years. Only it wasn't Christine, it was Alli, her sister in looks- but in my heart/head it was Christine. Reality? It wasn't my house. I haven't seen Christine's parents in a long time. I would never keep her from seeing them. Way weird.

3. I had a dr. apt (which I did today and everything was normal) and my doctor looked really run down. She had been delivery babies at the hospital for like 2 days straight. She said I had placenta privia (sp?) and that the baby had actually shifted out of position and now was really high- and moved my due date out by like 2 months! Reality? my dr. apt today was fine. I'm fine. The baby is fine. My doctor looked normal.