Where do I fit in??

I'm starting to really believe the phrase "When they made you they broke the mold"

It just seems that I never really fit in anywhere. Other people seem to have hit their stride, or be where God has called them, or in a family to which they love and loves them-- and I feel like I'm always pushing my way into people's lives. I'm always the one calling. I'm always the one giving. I'm always the one saying "HEY...I'm here... want to hand out...I'll do anything for you to like me a little!".

Why is that? Anyone that knows me will tell you I DO NOT have a self confidence issue. I love to help people when they are down. I'm organized. and yet...it seems like I was made for something and I just haven't found it yet.

I can't be involved with ANYTHING for more than 5 minutes before I have the urge to jump in and lead it. I can't help it. It's apart of my DNA. I have learned to fight the urge to jump in and start volunteering to help, or lead everything I can-- but the urge is still there, under the surface lurking.

In a personality test it said I'm a "Motivating Director"-- ok Lord. You made me this way. Where the heck do you want to use me? Am I doing what you wanted me to do? Am I supposed to have this job such that I can afford to support the missionaries doing your work?

I think I'd LOVE to be a wedding coordinator, similar to Jenifer Lopez in "The wedding planner" aside from the single looking for a guy. But then I have children and weekend/summer work wouldn't be the best for my family life. And how the heck do you start off learning to do this so you can do it well??? You'd probably have to be in a big city is my guess like New York...

Ok Lord. Why don't I seem to fit in? Where is it you want me to be so I feel like I fit????

it's hard

Yes I am typing in poop brown. today was a poopy day. I've had kind of a poopy week. Sick off and on. Migraines. And really so far off 2 of my 3 goals for 2011 I feel like giving up and hoping for 2012- and yes, it's only March. I feel like I just want to go on a cruise or a 7 day get away with my husband- but then- that goes against goal #2, pay off debt from being pregnant for 2 years and not working full time for awhile. It probably also goes against goal #3 of losing 40 lbs this year too. That is just in the tanker right now. I feel like an addict that has fallen off the wagon, knows they need to get back on, and really can't find the way. I really just need another woman who needs to lose weight to come along side me so we can encourage each other. No offense to my skinny friends, but this is one you can't help on even though many of you have been here and are on "the other side".

Oh Lord give me strength. Give my kids sleep, and me so I have the strength and energy to do what I need to.

It's been awhile

...since I posted last on here. I can't say that I have anything profound to say except that I continually struggle with time management. It never seems there is enough time in the day no matter how I split, re-prioritize, and multi-task. I'm an engineer and the math just doesn't add up.

Ideal amount of time needed for each activity in my day:
1 hr = devotional
1 hr = wake up, getting ready, showered, dressed, make- up, coffee
8 hours = sleep
3 hr = prep/eating/clean up after my messy kids
8 hr = work
1 hr = commute
1 hr = work out, shower
4 hrs = be with kiddos, playing, getting dressed, time outs, bath, fighting over brushing teeth, reading books, cuddling, etc
1 hr = house hold chores
1 hr = downtime before bed, getting ready for bed
1 hr = time it takes for me to fall asleep, if I'm lucky

Grand total: 30 hours

Now I can tell you what in my day doesn't get the time it needs...
1 hr = devotional
1 hr = wake up, getting ready, showered, dressed, make- up, coffee
8 hours = sleep
1 hr = work out, shower

Hm...and some of these seem slightly more important. I guess that's it. I'm going to cut out showering, eating, then I can cut out working out, and 1 less hour of sleep. Ok- guess I can fit it all in.

UGH.

“Come follow me” Jesus said “and I will make you fishers of men” Matthew 4:19

I love this story. Jesus called to them and they answered immediately- wow. There was no “but” or “what if” or “how?” or “what about that guy?”. Can you imagine the job description for this?
- Must be willing to travel 100%
- Expenses not paid, must work for free
- You will be persecuted
- Accomplish tasks with no questions asked, even if they do not make sense
- Serve others whole heartedly
- Sleep and food optional
And they did without question or hesitation. How many times in my life has God tried to call to me or recruit me for a job and I either haven’t been listening, or didn’t answer, or just put up too much resistance. How can I obey and follow in my current job? Maybe this is what God has called me to and I need to serve him in what I am doing. When the apostles agreed to follow Christ they accepted the call on His terms, not theirs. Isn’t that how it is with most jobs? On your bosses terms? Where is God calling me to serve and follow him today? How can I be in tune and listen especially since I’m not a good listener. I’m horrible actually at only listening enough so I can formulate a response in my head before they finish speaking. I interrupt. I talk over people. I talk too much. I need to learn to listen. Really listen. To others. To God. This means I have to take time with people and not rush through them. I need to learn to be comfortable in silence and listen intently. This is how I felt when I was in France- I spent so much time listening and trying to understand that I had little time to respond. I had to listen, look, and just soak in everything around me to hear and understand what people where saying. That is how I want to listen to people- that is how I need to learn to listen to God.

tears are gone, introspectiveness is not

All I have to say to my many friends and relatives that are pregnant is "you go girl" and "I'm glad it's not me!" There is a certain status you get as a pregnant woman, royal treatment and all- but man I don't miss crying for every little thing, the lack of sleep, and how the smallest smell could force my stomach upside down. However, even I no longer shed tears for everything, there are some things going on that should produce them- but I think I've turn all emotion off for awhile. God knows it needs a break. Instead, here I sit in my room on my computer trying to understand it all. Reason it through. Make a plan to deal. all that and trying to get over this flu that has hit my body pretty hard the last 24 hours. That was honestly the last thing I needed right now. Although maybe if I did cry I could get it out and move on instead of replaying things over in my mind a hundred ways. a hundred and one, two, three......

this could be a long night.

Lost Poetry by Yours Truly

One Moment
Shamree Howard
8/30/07


My daughter learned to clap today
And I learned to pause
To take a moment
To share in her joy
Her delight
Of finally figuring out
How to control her hands
To make a noise
To express joy
I realized in that moment
That one paused moment
The bills didn’t matter
My job didn’t matter
My weight didn’t matter
Only the fact that I was there
And that I paused
To share that one moment with her
And found joy
----------------------------------------

Hope
Shamree Landis
4.26.03

one may wonder if windows
that see into the depths of the soul
are a blessing or a curse
they show the hope of what yet
come to pass, if only-
any they dare not show
the disappointment one keeps at bay
staring
searching
one may lose themselves
pining away for their eyes
to confirm only that which
their hearts have dared to dream of
and they could spend their
entire lives looking into that window
waiting and hoping
al the time just wasting away
without a sliver of a change
to regain those precious lost moments
then again-
in giving someone the chance to do it again
I bet they wouldn’t change a thing-
Because you see
Love may make the world go round
But hope
Is what makes the ride worthwhile
----------------------------------
Heavy
Shamree Landis
4.26.03

your cologne hands in the air
stubbornly
refusing to leave
like moth balls on my grandmothers wedding
gown saved for me
in the attic
a place I dare not venture to
like asking what if
or asking you why
I could not make you
Love me
And I could not make you
Stay
So I let you go
With open arms and
A closed heart
Hoping you’d come back
To the cologne that
Belongs to you
And yet here is stays
Heavy in the air
Heavy on my shoulders
Guarding my heart
Keeping it prisoner
For a master that will not return
tonight

-----------------------

If I were in Charge of the World
Shamree Landis
12/3/98

If I were in charge of the world purple would be the royal color
and chocolate would be a food group
all John Grisham movies would be rated “G”
and Jerks would spontaneously combust
just like pollution
we wouldn’t have enemies
because they would be banned
People who are sweet would be adored
because they wouldn’t let it go to their head
like the professional sports players
who are mostly guys anyway
there would have to be more pro women’s teams
and they would play to profit education
because college is expensive
then everyone could go
I would make everyone take a language pill
just like vitamins but they would allow everyone to understand
every other language
even sign
Everyone would have to have a teddy bear to hold
and a hug everyday
because hugs are good and make people smile
and every millionaire would adopt an orphan like “Annie”
so there would only be happy endings, eventually
If I were in charge of the World
-------------------

Homeless Hobo
Shamree Landis
12/11/98

When I sold the world
I misdirected hostility
Now my lightning crashes
As my thunder rolls
My heart hungers
Remembering the time
That it looked back in anger

The fear of being alone
Makes me a stranger
A dream lover of no-one
That lives on the edge
Between insanity and fantasy

Who will save my soul
When the rainbow comes
Tomorrow
Step by step in the rain
Right next to hell
I will knock on heavens door

If God will send his angels
I can still throw it all away
To save this little bit of soul

Moral delima- what to do?

So in coming outside from King Soopers on our routine Saturday morning grocery shopping trip I saw a strange sight. There was a man, young man?, shirtless-shoeless-dirty-skin and bones, standing in the middle of the parking lot approaching people as they walked out. I lowered my head, avoided eye contact and was thankful for the couple ahead of me that would encounter him first so I could rush towards my car. This guy was not menacing, just dirty. In reaching my car I felt 3 things immediately: 1- relief since josh/abby/nehemiah were already in the car having run out of fun things to do in the grocery store while I was checking out, 2- safe that my husband was there, and 3- conviction. How horrible was I???? "when you have helped the least of these you have helped me...." rang in my ears as if God was shouting it in a microphone. Josh and I quietly discussed it.

• Do we give him money? No he'll just buy alcohol. What if doesn't and just needs food? Aren't we supposed to just give with no strings attached? But do we really want to enable a bad habit?
• Do we give him gift cards? Then at least he can eat right??? Or go buy shoes?
• Do we buy him food? What does he eat? Should we take him grocery shopping? He doesn't have shoes let alone a bag to put stuff in?

So Josh went back in the store and bought some bread. Then when he came out we drove around the parking lot until we found the guy. It was then that I noticed the abrasions all over his body. AIDs? Cigarette burns? it was horrible. He was using a local starbucks patrons cell phone. Josh went up to him and I anxiously waited in my car trying to answer Abby's many questions "why doesn't he have any shoes?" "why doesn't he have a shirt?" "Why is daddy giving him bread?" "What are those marks on his body?" etc....Josh got back in the car and said he wasn't asking for food but a ride. ACK! My brain instantly shuttered. Josh gave him the bread. Got in the car. And we drove away. Now here I sit at the computer 14 hours later typing about this when I should be sleeping. I guess I'm still convicted...confused...ashamed...confused........."When you have done this for the least of these...."

Did we have room in our car- my brain said no, but honestly the answer was yes. Did I want that man, young man, dirty man, in my car with my three kids? No. Hell no. Did the guy look dangerous? No...just really dirty. Is it that I didn't want to get my seats dirty? Did I not want to be inconvenienced? Was it reckless to let someone like that in your car? Should have we made room and let him in our car and given him a ride and trusted God to keep us safe? I guess I feel like the bread was something, but somehow I can't rest with myself right now. Like the bread was enough to pacify the shame I felt at avoiding him and I felt convicted to so something, but not too much??

Now I'm just getting really tired and foggy, and rambly. My questions to you: 1- what would have you done? 2- what do you think we should have done....3- how would #1/#2 answers change if that dirty man had been jesus, or your brother, or your son? He's someones son....hm....