tears are gone, introspectiveness is not

All I have to say to my many friends and relatives that are pregnant is "you go girl" and "I'm glad it's not me!" There is a certain status you get as a pregnant woman, royal treatment and all- but man I don't miss crying for every little thing, the lack of sleep, and how the smallest smell could force my stomach upside down. However, even I no longer shed tears for everything, there are some things going on that should produce them- but I think I've turn all emotion off for awhile. God knows it needs a break. Instead, here I sit in my room on my computer trying to understand it all. Reason it through. Make a plan to deal. all that and trying to get over this flu that has hit my body pretty hard the last 24 hours. That was honestly the last thing I needed right now. Although maybe if I did cry I could get it out and move on instead of replaying things over in my mind a hundred ways. a hundred and one, two, three......

this could be a long night.

Lost Poetry by Yours Truly

One Moment
Shamree Howard
8/30/07


My daughter learned to clap today
And I learned to pause
To take a moment
To share in her joy
Her delight
Of finally figuring out
How to control her hands
To make a noise
To express joy
I realized in that moment
That one paused moment
The bills didn’t matter
My job didn’t matter
My weight didn’t matter
Only the fact that I was there
And that I paused
To share that one moment with her
And found joy
----------------------------------------

Hope
Shamree Landis
4.26.03

one may wonder if windows
that see into the depths of the soul
are a blessing or a curse
they show the hope of what yet
come to pass, if only-
any they dare not show
the disappointment one keeps at bay
staring
searching
one may lose themselves
pining away for their eyes
to confirm only that which
their hearts have dared to dream of
and they could spend their
entire lives looking into that window
waiting and hoping
al the time just wasting away
without a sliver of a change
to regain those precious lost moments
then again-
in giving someone the chance to do it again
I bet they wouldn’t change a thing-
Because you see
Love may make the world go round
But hope
Is what makes the ride worthwhile
----------------------------------
Heavy
Shamree Landis
4.26.03

your cologne hands in the air
stubbornly
refusing to leave
like moth balls on my grandmothers wedding
gown saved for me
in the attic
a place I dare not venture to
like asking what if
or asking you why
I could not make you
Love me
And I could not make you
Stay
So I let you go
With open arms and
A closed heart
Hoping you’d come back
To the cologne that
Belongs to you
And yet here is stays
Heavy in the air
Heavy on my shoulders
Guarding my heart
Keeping it prisoner
For a master that will not return
tonight

-----------------------

If I were in Charge of the World
Shamree Landis
12/3/98

If I were in charge of the world purple would be the royal color
and chocolate would be a food group
all John Grisham movies would be rated “G”
and Jerks would spontaneously combust
just like pollution
we wouldn’t have enemies
because they would be banned
People who are sweet would be adored
because they wouldn’t let it go to their head
like the professional sports players
who are mostly guys anyway
there would have to be more pro women’s teams
and they would play to profit education
because college is expensive
then everyone could go
I would make everyone take a language pill
just like vitamins but they would allow everyone to understand
every other language
even sign
Everyone would have to have a teddy bear to hold
and a hug everyday
because hugs are good and make people smile
and every millionaire would adopt an orphan like “Annie”
so there would only be happy endings, eventually
If I were in charge of the World
-------------------

Homeless Hobo
Shamree Landis
12/11/98

When I sold the world
I misdirected hostility
Now my lightning crashes
As my thunder rolls
My heart hungers
Remembering the time
That it looked back in anger

The fear of being alone
Makes me a stranger
A dream lover of no-one
That lives on the edge
Between insanity and fantasy

Who will save my soul
When the rainbow comes
Tomorrow
Step by step in the rain
Right next to hell
I will knock on heavens door

If God will send his angels
I can still throw it all away
To save this little bit of soul

Moral delima- what to do?

So in coming outside from King Soopers on our routine Saturday morning grocery shopping trip I saw a strange sight. There was a man, young man?, shirtless-shoeless-dirty-skin and bones, standing in the middle of the parking lot approaching people as they walked out. I lowered my head, avoided eye contact and was thankful for the couple ahead of me that would encounter him first so I could rush towards my car. This guy was not menacing, just dirty. In reaching my car I felt 3 things immediately: 1- relief since josh/abby/nehemiah were already in the car having run out of fun things to do in the grocery store while I was checking out, 2- safe that my husband was there, and 3- conviction. How horrible was I???? "when you have helped the least of these you have helped me...." rang in my ears as if God was shouting it in a microphone. Josh and I quietly discussed it.

• Do we give him money? No he'll just buy alcohol. What if doesn't and just needs food? Aren't we supposed to just give with no strings attached? But do we really want to enable a bad habit?
• Do we give him gift cards? Then at least he can eat right??? Or go buy shoes?
• Do we buy him food? What does he eat? Should we take him grocery shopping? He doesn't have shoes let alone a bag to put stuff in?

So Josh went back in the store and bought some bread. Then when he came out we drove around the parking lot until we found the guy. It was then that I noticed the abrasions all over his body. AIDs? Cigarette burns? it was horrible. He was using a local starbucks patrons cell phone. Josh went up to him and I anxiously waited in my car trying to answer Abby's many questions "why doesn't he have any shoes?" "why doesn't he have a shirt?" "Why is daddy giving him bread?" "What are those marks on his body?" etc....Josh got back in the car and said he wasn't asking for food but a ride. ACK! My brain instantly shuttered. Josh gave him the bread. Got in the car. And we drove away. Now here I sit at the computer 14 hours later typing about this when I should be sleeping. I guess I'm still convicted...confused...ashamed...confused........."When you have done this for the least of these...."

Did we have room in our car- my brain said no, but honestly the answer was yes. Did I want that man, young man, dirty man, in my car with my three kids? No. Hell no. Did the guy look dangerous? No...just really dirty. Is it that I didn't want to get my seats dirty? Did I not want to be inconvenienced? Was it reckless to let someone like that in your car? Should have we made room and let him in our car and given him a ride and trusted God to keep us safe? I guess I feel like the bread was something, but somehow I can't rest with myself right now. Like the bread was enough to pacify the shame I felt at avoiding him and I felt convicted to so something, but not too much??

Now I'm just getting really tired and foggy, and rambly. My questions to you: 1- what would have you done? 2- what do you think we should have done....3- how would #1/#2 answers change if that dirty man had been jesus, or your brother, or your son? He's someones son....hm....

A new project

I am so blessed to have this time off with Josiah, my last baby. I think since I know it's my last one I'm really enjoying it, aside from the extra long recovery- that or I'm finally getting the hang of this mommy thing since it's my third! The only real trouble I'm having is that my brain feels useless right now and my body is taking a beating. All the time sitting and nursing gives me too much time to think, with nothing much to think about or plan- which is slowly driving me nuts. I always have something I'm working on or planning or thinking and right now- I don't. When to have kids? done. When to buy a house and how much to spend? done. Get a family car? done. This leaves me with 2 options. 1- a new project for work or 2- a new project for home. Well I'm not ready to think about work yet so I'm starting to play around with #2. Here are some ideas that although they seem like great ideas at 2am, I'm just not sure they are feasible right now...

• Make enough hand made blankets, crafts, etc- to sell at craft fairs this winter before Christmas. Let my creativity flow, make some extra cash.....but where to start?
• Write a children's book and have my mom or brother illustrate it.
• Look at going back to school for either a teaching degree (high school science), or anthropology- something I love, but didn't think I could make a career out of it so I chose engineering which has worked so far. Another reason I never made French my major.
• Have a garage sale. Clean out the house of stuff and see if anyone will buy it! Toys, clothes, furniture, etc. Lots of work. Worth it for the extra cash?
• Plan a road trip with my mom. We've been talking about doing that, but right now I'm not sure we have the finances to do it this year. I'm also not sure I have the patience to do it with a newborn....maybe I could write a book afterwards "Oh the places you can nurse"

Any other ideas? Shoot them my way.....practical or not it will at least give me something new to mull over in the wee hours of the morning.

Brain Connections

Yes I am type A...and I know that surprises everyone! Thanks to this I love to analyze, prioritize, list, and understand "why?". Hence why I had to back track to figure out how the heck I started thinking about a childhood memory....here's the connections my brain made in about 5 minutes.

• What a thunder storm
• Kind of like the one in shawshank redemption when Andy escaped
• Andy was soo good- wow.
• The library he built was really cool
• I love that part when that one guy is singing along to hank williams:)
• Man I wish they played a little Hank on the radio
• Brooks and Dunn have a song with a line in it "Hank it up a little let's rock this bar"
• same song, another line about "I'm a George jones junkie"
• George...wow that's a name you don't hear much anymore
• George Jones, George Straight- do I even know any other Georges?
• Had a neighbor George Claussan growing up.
• He lived in a yellow house
• Once when they were gone my brother and I watered their lawn for them
• We left the sprinkler in once place too long and created a sink hole
• Hm...I wonder how that ever turned out? Larry you remember???

Baby daze

Life with Josiah has been good. He is the easiest baby thus far in his 11 days on this earth. He already is above his birth weight as he is a good eater, mostly every 4 hours which is nice. Having him so close to Nehemiah, without giving my body a break was crazy. I almost cracked! But now on the back side it's nice to know my pregnant days are over and now I can look forward to enjoying my little family. I've missed time with my husband. I've missed doing my daughters hair in the mornings. I've missed being able to pick up Nehemiah. I've missed being able to walk up the stairs without getting out of breath (almost there). I've missed feeling like "me"---and it's all starting to come back. In fact, in spite of normal labor healing, I feel better now that I have in months! months I tell you! I feel like I just completed the craziest triathlon that I could put my body through and now I"m like GLAD that is over and WOW can't believe I did that! I'm now looking so forward to so many things:

• Getting my body back into shape
• Biking/Backpacking/Hiking with Josh and the kids
• Playing chase
• Doing girly things with Abby
• Watching "the boys" grow up so close in age together
• Wearing any pants/shorts that are not stretchy waist:)
• Drinking a glass of wine once in awhile

So many of these things are still way out in the future, but I can't help but start to think of all the fun things we will do as family of 5. I guess I can start to imagine the future more now that I know Josiah was our last baby. In fact, I think that is a huge reason I can/am enjoying him so much b/c I know it's my last one...sniff sniff...yeah yeah! Yes I'd love another little girl, but not enough to go through pregnancy again or think about all the finances we'd need to have another one. I am so blessed with the three I have, and I know I'll have my hands full! I'm glad I am off work so long, but I know by the end of the summer off with Josh and the 3 kiddos I will start to look forward to going back to work. Maybe not the craziness of the launches that will await me when I return....but I enjoy my work and honestly? I'm a better mother when I have that time away from the kids- with something that stimulates and challenges my brain. Plus, I guess I know the people teaching my kids are more qualified in the "development" part of their education than I am. Abby just got her year end evaluation and she is doing fabulous! She is one of the youngest in her class having moved up to the 3-4 yr old room in August when her 3rd bday wasn't until late November. I'm amazed at all she has learned at her preschool, amazed. Plus she is so caring with her brothers. She loves to play with Nehemiah, sometimes too rough since he isn't even 18 months yet. And she watches out for him and tries to teach him things too. And she loves loves loves Josiah. Holding him, helping bathe him, getting his pacifier, watching him, etc. She's going to be the 2nd mother to her brothers, whether they like it or not;)

ok...it's late and I really should be sleeping while Josiah is sleeping. Night night.

Josiah Dean Howard

Josiah Dean Howard was born on May 16th at 4:05am. He was 8lbs 9oz and 20.5" long.

The highlights of his birth?

• Sat May 15th, sent home from hospital b/c he was facing the wrong way and I wasn't progressing in labor.


• Sun 2am woke up with severe labor pains.


• 3:35am checked into hospital, was 7cm dialated


• Got edpidural put in, but no time for actual use of drugs.


• Water exploded, hitting wall 6 feet away making nurses say "Oh my God!"


• Told to push once....his head crowned quickly


• Told to STOP pushing b/c the doctor wasn't there


• Stopped pushing; however, he came out anyways


• 4:05am nurses caught Josiah


• 4:10 am doctor saunters in saying "You could have given me more warning"

We are all home and doing well. Tired but oh so blessed...